When I started doing Collaborative work, I kept looking for the “right” clients for Collaboration. I thought the “right” clients would be ones who got along well, as then they would be able to Collaborate well. It took some time for me to realize that the clients who got along well often did not need a great deal of help. What I also realized was that Collaboration is really designed as a system to manage conflict.
When I came to understand that, I also understood that Collaboration was not designed to help 10% of my clients, it was designed to help 80% of my clients. Therefore I stopped looking for the “right” clients and started explaining the Collaborative option to all my clients. The real power of bringing together a coordinated team of Attorneys, Divorce Coaches, Child Specialists, and neutral Financial Specialists, is that the team can help even a couple in high conflict find ways to break the cycle of fighting and move on to problem solving.
The Divorce Coaches and Child Specialists, with their backgrounds in mental health, bring an incredible set of tools to the process. They help the couple and the rest of the team see what is breaking down in the communications between the parties, and help the couple find ways to change the communication patterns so that they can move beyond the places where they get stuck.
Attorneys who are trained in peaceful dispute resolution methods also help to de-escalate the conflict. They do this by working with the Coaches to understand the couple’s dynamics, by listening respectfully to both parties, and by understanding that the best way to reach resolution is by finding the solutions that will also work for the other side. The Attorneys act as the guides through the process, leading the clients through each step that is needed to reach the goal in a respectful, planned, and thoughtful way.
The Financial Specialist also helps defuse the conflict by providing neutral financial data collection, modeling, and advice to both parties. This lowers distrust, helps reduce factual disputes, and helps both clients see their financial situation from the same perspective.
However, Collaboration is not for everyone. While the parties to a Collaborative Divorce do not have to get along, they do have to want to achieve resolution peacefully, and they need to be able, with help, to come to an understanding of where the other party is coming from. A client who lacks the ability or willingness to step out of their own skin for a minute to think about the other party’s needs, concerns, and desires, is going to have a very hard time recognizing and findings solutions that will address those needs, concerns, and desires of the other party.
Some questions to ask yourself are:
Do both I and my spouse WANT to stop fighting?
Do both I and my spouse have the ability, with help, to at least listen to each other?
Are both I and my spouse willing to work at learning the communication skills it will take to problem solve together?
If you answered yes to these questions, then the next step is to meet with a Collaborative Professional to discuss whether this might be a process that could work for you.